March 2011
15 posts
5 tags
Diagnosis confusion
Today my portion of bulimia was given a topping of anorexia. I’m not gonna lie I have noticed a change in my thoughts but I did not expect this. My weight is plummeting but I’m completely detached from the situation. I can’t comprehend it but I realise that the voice that has been getting louder and louder is anorexia. It screams in my ears that bulimia is weak and disgusting,...
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“My skin is red and scratched from where I absent-mindedly squeeze and pinch the...”
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Don't understand
The doctor rang my parents today. Told them I’m on the verge of dying and if I loose anymore weight they’re gonna hospitalise me. I feel fine. My blood tests are fine. My ECG was fine. My BMI is only on the verge of underweight. I’m not allowed to do exercise anymore. My meals are regulated and monitored. I am so fucking scared.
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“I’ll stop when I look sexy” turns into “I’ll stop when I...”
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“It’s a vicious circle. I turn down offers to go out because I feel...”
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Beauty
Today I was feeling horrid and was just walking with my head down through town. I went past a big issue seller and his friend. I looked up to smile at him, he smiled back. As I passed by he turned to his friend and said “she’s going to be beautiful when she grows up.” The further I walked the more touched I felt until I found I was crying (I NEVER cry). It was the nicest thing...
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Silly little games
Does anyone else play games to test their boundaries? I have made a habit of walking round supermarkets looking at all the food I want. As I’m going round, inspecting labels and calorie contents my heart starts beating faster. Adrenaline pumps through my veins. To binge or not to binge? Luckily most of the time I’m too scared to actually buy everything, worried what the people around...
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“My actual weight and my perceived weight are inversely proportional. I’ve...”
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Solitude
I used to be a social butterfly. I loved everybody and I had so many brilliant friends. Now I prefer spending time alone. I’m finding it more and more difficult to engage in conversations of any kind. I definitely can’t talk about my problems at all, not like I could when I wanted to get better. Now I just cut myself off. It’s not like my friends want to hear any of my problems,...
3 tags
So here we go...
I’ve been thinking of doing this for a while now, I really feel the need at this stage to document my thoughts. I have reach a stage of exhaustion. Each and every day I don’t think I could feel any lower but each and every day I wake up worse. The things I post will be triggering because right now I don’t want to recover. I want to recover soon but I just need some time now to...
