Tried to kill myself by overdosing, ended up in hospital, now in a psychiatric unit. It’s pretty shit but it’s easier to loose weight there because I’m not on the eating disorder program.
Got disconnected from Samaritans. fml.
I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t
Too damn worthless, pathetic, afraid, cowardly, fat
Stupid frightened little girl
Can’t can’t can’t
The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.
I CANNOT FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE. I feel like I’m going to explode. I am terrified of everything 24/7 and it’s exhausting. I really really really can’t carry on like this. I don’t know what to do. I’ve felt like this before but I’ve had my eating disorder to fall back on but I can’t control my food anymore and I can’t binge and purge. I have to sit with my emotions and I have to feel everything I’ve been ignoring for years. I can’t do it I can’t do it I CAN’T DO IT.
Biggest GPOY right now.
CBT is good but alcohol is better.
Flicking through inpatient treatment programs like a holiday brochure.
I told my therapist about the other me that lives inside of me, the version of myself that sole purpose is to destroy me. I explained that I feel like I am the puppet of the eating disorder but the eating disorder is a weapon of other me. I told her all about the feeling of pressure under my skin, when it seems like she is going to tear me apart at the seams. So I have always cut in order to relive the pressure, to let the demon out bit by bit. I spoke of how when I was 12 I starved as an attempt to dismantle then rebuild myself, that if I stripped myself down to the foundation of skin and bone then I could be reborn, reformed and purged of the thing in my head. Suddenly (almost over night) I was relieved of these troubles for a good few years, the suffocating feelings only returned every now and then in the dead of the night. Until it all started to be too much and my insides were gradually turned to poison again but this time I seem to be completely trapped.
This is not ‘ana’ or ‘mia’ this is ME and it is not about an eating disorder. Finally my therapist understands what I’ve been trying to tell her. I am
scared TERRIFIED of myself because I don’t think that other me will leave me alone until I’m dead. The eating disorder is a facade, I feel like I’m acting the part of a character with anorexia.
My therapist booked me in for an appointment with the psychiatrist. So we’ll see what he says.
This time I was 37 pounds heavier and in the healthy weight range. This time last year was the first time I purged. This time last year I had a life.
That feeling of fear of the world and hatred of yourself which is so intense you believe there’s a black hole in your stomach which will turn you inside out. I want to tear open my chest and rip the dense ball from my body. Then I will be light as a feather.
I am in hospital for a week. My potassium was rock bottom on Tuesday and my heart was all over the place. They started to feed me and i let them because i didn’t want to make a fuss but it’s killing me bit by bit. Then my potassium, phosphate and magneisium plumented again because my body cannot currently digest. Now they’re reducing my intake. I am terriffied and I feel so alone. I feel like I still have to put on a brave face and pretend everything is okay when it is clearly not. Please can someone…anyone give me some words of courage and support?
I just went to my GP to book blood tests and a general check up. She weighed me off guard. Without jeans, extra layers, weights, stones and a belly full of water. Now they know how much I really weigh. Now there’s panic. So I have to go to the hospital and they might admit me today. F-U-C-K.
i want to be so thin that my body eats itself
i want to be strong and healthy at the same time
i want to starve
i want to eat
i want to eat so little that i cant concentrate
i want to get good grades and go to university
i want to die
i want a future
the last two :(